Sacked Out
by Arianwen P.F. Everett
Summary: Daria and Jane become single moms... sort of.


Disclaimer: I don't own any rights to Daria or any of the characters in  
this story. MTV is God. Yadda, yadda, yadda.  
  
'SACKED OUT'  
  
by Arianwen P.F. Everett  
  
  
INT. LAWNDALE HIGH - DAY  
  
DARIA AND JANE ENTER THEIR SCIENCE CLASS, JUST AS THE BELL RINGS. IN  
ADDITION TO THE USUAL SCHOOLROOM STUFF, THERE ARE TWO LARGE BOXES BY THE  
TEACHER'S DESK.  
  
Jane (to Daria): What do you suppose is in the boxes?  
  
Daria (to Jane): Maybe Ms. Barch finally got her husband back,  
permanently.   
  
MS. BARCH WALKS IN.   
  
Ms. B: Okay class, today, as per the instructions on the Lawndale School  
Board, we are going to be starting a special program known as  
'Baby: Think It Over'  
  
MS. B PULLS OUT A LIFE-LIKE BABY DOLL FROM ONE OF THE BOXES. THE CLASS  
GROANS.  
  
Ms. B: For the next five days, you students are going to be parents.  
These babies are specially programmed to act like real babies.  
They cry, and quite loudly.   
  
SHE TURNS A KEY IN THE DOLLS BACK WHICH EMMITS A HIGH PITCHED SCREAM. THE  
CLASS COVERS THEIR EARS.  
  
Daria (to Jane): I'd shriek too if someone was sticking keys into my, yet  
undeveloped, spine.  
  
Jane (massaging her ears): You say something?  
  
Ms. B: Now, this particular doll is not programed, but yours will be.   
You'll be totally responcible for this doll, and any signs of abuse  
or neglect will be recorded on the microchips inside the baby, and  
this will effect your grade. This program was founded in order to  
teach teenagers like yourselves that having a baby isn't as simple  
as it seems.  
  
Jane (to Daria): Yeah, do you know what the going rate on the beer alone  
is these days?  
  
Daria (to Jane): Or the over expired condoms?  
  
Jane (to Daria): Or the acting classes required to utter the words 'I,   
promise, I won't get you knocked up.', while seeming  
totally sincere, yet sensitive.   
  
Daria (to Jane): Things just aren't what they used to be.  
  
Ms. B: Now I've paired you all up in alphebetical order, but it seems we  
had two more women in this class than we did... MEN... scum of the  
earth that they are. So, Ms. Lane and Ms. Morgandorfer, it seems  
that you will be representing the single mother's of America.  
  
Daria (to Jane): Great, does this mean I get to drop out of school and  
take a minimum wage job at the local 'Piggly Wigglies'?   
  
Jane (to Daria): Hey, don't knock 'Pigglies', their bratwaurst ain't half  
bad, and considering this place, you could consider it a  
promotion in life.  
  
Daria (to Jane): True.  
  
THE BELL RINGS.  
  
Ms. B: DON'T MOVE! Now, everyone come up, get your partner's name, your  
personalized assignment sheets, and your baby! Then you can go  
to your next class!  
  
MS. B IS MOBBED BY STUDENTS HANDING OUT PAPERS AND DOLLS. BRITTANY GETS  
HER DOLL AND SCHOOLWORK.  
  
Brittany: Not Upchuck AGAIN! MS. BARCH!  
  
MS. B GETS A WICKED SMILE.  
  
Ms. B: I'm sorry if you placement makes you unhappy, Miss Taylor, but this  
was done alphebetically. Even with the two new exchange students,  
you and Charles's last names were the closest.  
  
Brittany: EEEEW!  
  
Upchuck: I know your excited beyond words at having MY kid, Brit, but  
don't be thinking I'm going to be staying home with Charles Rothemeyer  
Jr., cause I got a life...   
  
Brittany: AAAAHHHGGHHHAA!!!  
  
BRITTANY SUCKER PUNCHES UPCHUCK AND RUNS OFF TO FIND AND CRY TO HER  
KEVVIE.   
  
Upchuck: Fiesty, GRWLLLL!  
  
Daria: The course of true love never did run smoothe.  
  
JANE AND DARIA GET THEIR BABY DOLLS AND ASSIGNMENTS, AND LEAVE THE  
CLASSROOM, HEADED FOR THEIR LOCKERS.  
  
Jane (to Daria): Speaking of true love, you at least don't have to be a  
single mommy. You could always ask Trent to....  
  
Daria (to Jane): When are you going to give up?  
  
Jane (to Daria): When I come home to find your head in the toilet,  
praying to the porceline goddesss, with a little neice  
or nephew of mine on the way.   
  
Daria (to Jane): Don't hold your breath.  
  
SUDDENLY DARIA'S BABY DOLL LETS OUT A HOWL. EVERYONE TURNS AROUND. DARIA  
CHECKS THE SHEET. SHE TRIES HER KEY, BUT THE CRYING CONTINUES.  
  
Daria (shouting to Jane): It says that this type of cry represents  
distress or physical uncomfortablity! Although  
I can't figure out what's wrong! The key must  
broken or maybe my doll is programed with   
collic!   
  
Jane (shouting to Daria): Or maybe it doesn't like being held up side  
down!  
  
DARIA LOOKS DOWN, AND RIGHTS THE DOLL, THEN TURNS THE KEY. THE HOWLING  
CEASES. DARIA SIGHS AND SHE AND JANE AND HALF THE STUDENT BODY MASSAGE  
THEIR EARS. SUDDENLY, ACCROSS THE HALL, JODIES DOLL STARTS SCREAMING.  
  
Daria: I have a feeling this is going to be a long week.  
  
  
lalalalala lalalalala!  
  
DARIA'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON  
  
  
DARIA COMES IN THE FRONT DOOR, AND WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN WHERE SHE FINDS  
OODLES OF BABY STUFF. HELEN MORGENDORFER WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN, DRESSED  
IN JEANS AND A BLOUSE, BUT THE OUTFIT IS PRISTINE AND NEW, MAKING IT LOOK  
LESS THAN CASUAL.  
  
Helen: Oh, Daria, you're home early. Didn't you go get pizza with your  
friend Joan?  
  
Daria: It's Jane, and we decided to skip it, since we're going to an  
all you can eat place later, where her brother's band's performing.  
What's all this? Why aren't you at work? Why are you wearing  
blue jeans?  
  
Helen: Well, your father and I decided to be spontaneous. He has that   
case in New York, and we've decided that I'm going with him.  
We're going to extend the trip into a romantic vacation. We'll be  
back Saturday afternoon.  
  
Daria: Wait, and don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled you guys are skipping  
town, but I'm a little confused. You're leaving your two teenaged  
daughters alone for a week, with your $75,000 home, two luxury  
cars, and no supervision. Have you started drinking, Mom?  
  
Helen: No, and you worry too much Daria. My therapist says I have to give  
you two girls more responcibility, and if I don't get time alone  
with your father soon, I'm gonna kill someone!  
  
Daria: Okay, but if Quinn wrecks the place with a party to rival a  
Caligulan orgy...  
  
Helen: I trust you won't let that happen. You are in charge, and you know  
the rules. As for the baby supplies, I got a letter from the  
school board about that new program to prevent teenage pregnancy,  
the one with the computerized dolls, so I had Nina, our new  
cleaning lady, rummage through the attic. I thought you and Quinn  
might like some of your old standbyes for your babies. By the way,  
didn't you get your dolls today?  
  
Daria: Yeah mom.  
  
Helen: Can I see it?  
  
DARIA TAKES OFF HER BACKPACK, AND OPENS IT UP, PULLING OUT THE DOLL.  
HELEN LOOKS AT HER, A BIT SURPRISED.  
  
Helen: Daria, a bookbag is not the place for a baby.   
  
Daria: I left the buckle loose enough to give it air, nestling it  
securly and comfortably in my gym uniform. It didn't cry.  
Can I go to my room now. I do have homework, you know.  
  
Helen (sighing): Alright, but please try to take this assignment  
seriously, Daria. You never know, you may have a baby of  
your own someday, and I'd hate to think of a grandchild  
of mine being hauled around in a bookbag all day.  
  
Daria: A straightjacket seems more the speed for this family.  
  
THEY HEAR THE FRONT DOOR SHUT.  
  
Quinn (O.C.): We're home. Now Christa, this is your home. And this is...  
  
Daria: Case in point.  
  
Helen: We're in the kitchen Quinn.  
  
QUINN WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN WITH HER BABY DOLL IN HER ARMS.  
  
Quinn (O.C.): Oh, I didn't know anyone was home.   
  
Daria: For once I agree. I'd say the jury is still deliberating that  
one.  
  
Quinn: What? Oh what do I care? You never have anything interesting to   
say anyway. Anyway, Mom, meet your new grandaughter Christa.  
Isn't she the cutest thing you've ever seen, other than me?   
  
Daria: I'd always suspected you'd go plastic eventually...  
  
Helen: Daria, appologize! Just because your sister has the right attitude  
about this project doesn't mean....  
  
Daria: Alright, I'm sorry Quinn. I know you're 100% real. Self-  
absortion, frivolity, and insensitivity like that just can't be  
faked.  
  
Quinn: Anyway, I'm going to the mall later with The Fashion Club. We're  
all going to color coordinate our babies. You have to start them  
early, or next thing you know they're wearing...(gestures at  
Daria) well that.  
  
Daria: That would be a travisty. Well, it was... painfull speaking with  
you, but I'm going to call Jane, and then get started on my   
homework.  
  
Helen: Aren't you going to take some of your old baby clothes and toys   
with you? After all, this is part of your homework.  
  
DARIA LOOKS AT THE TABLE, SELECTING A LITTLE WHITE BABY BLANKET AND A  
STUFFED LAMB. QUINN GETS ANGRY.   
  
Quinn: I know clothes don't matter to YOU, but at least take SOMETHING to   
dress my neice in!  
  
Daria: Nephew.  
  
Quinn: What?  
  
Daria: My doll is a boy. All these outfits are pink or dresses. It  
really doesn't matter to me, but this kind of thing can lead to a   
major identity crisis down the road.  
  
HELEN LOOKS AT THE STACK OF BABY CLOTHES.  
  
Helen: You're right Daria. We don't have anything to dress your baby in.  
  
HELEN REACHES INTO HER POCKET, PULLING OUT A TWENTY AND A TEN.  
  
Helen: Here, you go to the mall with Quinn and her friends and pick out  
something for my grandson.  
  
Quinn: MOM! I can't have Daria seen walking around the mall!  
  
Daria: That's okay mom. I'll call Jane and see if her parents still have  
any of her brothers' baby things.  
  
Helen: Okay, but if you can't get anything there...  
  
Daria: I'll hang myself.  
  
Helen: No, you'll go to the mall.  
  
Daria: Same thing.  
  
  
CUT TO:  
  
  
EXT. THE LANE'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON  
  
DARIA, CARRYING HER DOLL, RINGS THE DOORBELL. YOU CAN HERE THE DOLL  
CRYING IN THE BACKGROUND. THE CRYING INSIDE STOPS, AND THE DOOR OPENS TO  
REVEAL JANE, WITH HER DOLL.  
  
Jane: Hey Daria. Ready to go?  
  
Daria: Are you certain your parents used all Trent's baby clothes in a  
sculpture for his 18th birthday?  
  
Jane: Yep, Dad called it 'Boy Child Grows', used all Trent's childhood  
clothes. Joke was on them, with him still living in the basement.  
  
TRENT COMES OUTSIDE.  
  
Trent: Hey Daria. Ready to go?   
  
Daria: Ah, Yes.  
  
DARIA, JANE, AND TRENT ALL WALK TOWARDS A 1984 PLYMOTH. JANE BREAKS AWAY,  
AND DASHES INTO THE BACK SEAT, STRETCHING ALL THE WAY OUT, AND WINKING AT  
DARIA, WHO GLARES BACK. TRENT CHUCKLES.  
  
Trent: I guess you're shotgun Daria. No use in trying to talk Janey out  
of the back, when she wants to stretch out.   
  
Daria (under her breath): That attitude will come in handy in the hertz.  
  
TRENT SMILES, HAVING HEARD THE COMMENT. DARIA GETS IN THE PASSENGER  
SEAT, AND GLARES EVEN HARDER AT JANE. TRENT SLIDES INTO THE DRIVER'S SEAT  
AND STARTS THE IGNITION.  
  
Trent: Alright ladies, hang on.  
  
THE PLYMOTHS SCREECHES OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY THAN ONTO THE ROAD. TRENT  
LOOKS AT DARIA WHO LOOKS A BIT GREEN AND IS HOLDING HER BREATH.  
  
Trent: I said hang on.  
  
  
CUT TO:  
  
  
EXT. MALL PARKING LOT - AFTERNOON  
  
THE PLYMOTH SCREECHES TO A HAULT IN A TIGHT PARKING SPOT. DARIA HAS HER  
ARMS COVERING HER EYES AND FACE, AS IF SHE EXPECTED A CRASH. JANE JUST  
HOPS OUT OF THE CAR, OPENING THE DOOR FOR DARIA.  
  
Jane: Daria, we made it in one piece. You can get out now.  
  
Trent: Well, anyway, I'll be back hear at six o'clock to pick you guys  
up, okay?  
  
Jane: Okay. Thanks.  
  
Daria (still in shock): Th..th..thanks.  
  
Trent: See ya.  
  
THE PLYMOTH QUICKLY SPEEDS AWAY, AND DARIA CRINGES AGAIN.  
  
Daria: Where did he learn to drive like that?  
  
Jane: Jesse taught him, why?  
  
Daria: Never mind. Nothing. Anyway, mom gave me thirty dollars for  
clothes for this doll, so I'm thinking thrift store. That way, I  
can use the rest of the money to get the new 'Sick Sad World' CD,  
Volume 1.  
  
Jane: Cool. I hear the polar bear taking a bite out of that dude's thigh,  
sounds much more lifelike than on TV.  
  
  
CUT TO:   
  
  
INT. GARY'S THRIFT SHOP - AFTERNOON  
  
DARIA AND JANE STAND IN FRONT OF A LARGE, SEEMINGLY BOTTOMLESS, BIN OF  
BABY CLOTHES. DARIA REACHES AN ARM ALL THE WAY IN, UP TP HER SHOULDER,  
PULLING OUT A LIME GREEN LEISURESUIT WITH A PAISLEY BUTTERFLY COLLAR.  
  
Jane: Oh, very nice. It screams 'Saturday Night Fever' baby. Quinn will  
probably start spitting pea soup and rotating her head when she see  
that one.  
  
Daria (smiling): Yep. That one's definitely a keeper. To recap. We have  
a pair of black jeans. A green tee-shirt. A blood red  
sleeper. The John Travolta'esqu leisure suit, and blue  
jumper with a booger making an obscene jesture.   
  
Jane: That one's my favorite.  
  
Daria: Somehow I knew it would be.   
  
Jane (checking her watch): We should get going if we want to get that CD.  
  
Daria: Alright.  
  
DARIA AND JANE MAKE THERE WAY TO THE CASHIER, AN OLD MAN WITH THICK  
BIFOCALS. HE TAKES THE BABY CLOTHES AND STARTS RINGING THEM UP. HE GETS  
TO THE BLUE JUMPER WITH THE OBSCENE BOOGER, AND LOOKS AT DARIA AND JANE.  
  
Old Man: Perverts!  
  
DARIA AND JANE LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SMILE.  
  
  
lalalalala lalalalala!  
  
  
EXT. MALL PARKING LOT - 6:00PM  
  
DARIA AND JANE, BOTH WITH CRYING BABY DOLLS IN 'SICK SAD WORLD'  
TEE-SHIRTS, WAITING FOR TRENT. JANE'S DOLL STOPS WHEN SHE TURNS THE KEY,  
BUT DARIA'S DOLL KEEPS CRYING. THE PLYMOTH FINALLY MAKES ITS WAY  
TOWARDS THEM, AND DARIA CRINGES, AS TRENT STOPS QUICKLY, SCREECHING TO A  
HAULT. DARIA AND JANE CLIMB IN. AGAIN, JANE IS ABLE TO TRICK DARIA INTO  
TAKING THE FRONT PASSANGER SEAT, WHILE DARIA IS PREOCCUPIED, TRYING TO GET  
THE KEY TO SHUT THE DOLL UP.   
  
Trent: We did that in high school; had to carry around a sack of flour   
for a whole week. Real stupid assignment. I swear I fould you  
two by following the screams.  
  
Jane (rubbing her forehead): Daria, can't you shut that thing up? Use  
your damn key!  
  
Daria: According to the assignment sheet, sometimes the key won't work.  
It's supposed to teach us that babies sometimes fuss and cry  
for no reason other than to relieve stress.   
  
Trent: Let me try something.  
  
TRENT TAKES THE DOLL, AND STARTS SINGING 'ICE BOX WOMAN'. AT THE END OF  
THE SONG, HE TRIES THE KEY AGAIN, AND THE DOLL GOES SILENT. HE GIVES THE  
BABY DOLL BACK TO DARIA, WHO SMILES BACK GREATFULLY. THEIR EYES MEET,  
AND DARIA LOOKS AWAY QUICKLY, BLUSHING.  
  
Trent: Obviously a man with good taste in music. You ladies ready?  
  
Daria: No, but go on anyway.  
  
TRENT CHUCKLES, THEN TAKES OFF, THIS TIME MORE SLOWLY. JANE LEANS FORWARD  
TO WHISPER IN DARIA'S EAR.  
  
Jane (teasing): Sweet.  
  
Daria (to Jane) Bite me.  
  
  
CUT TO:  
  
EXT. MORGANDORFER HOUSE - DUSK  
  
THE PLYMOTH DRIVES UP, AND DARIA GETS OUT. TRENT LEANS OVER TO THE  
PASSENGER SIDE WINDOW.  
  
Trent: I'll be back in an hour to take you to the resteraunt, okay?  
  
Daria: Yeah, okay. Thanks.  
  
Trent: No problem.  
  
TRENT DRIVES AWAY. QUINN JOGS OUT OF THE HOUSE, STOPPING BEHIND DARIA.  
  
Quinn: Hey Daria, mom and dad are leaving us for the week, isn't it  
wonderful? I can't wait to tell everyone in school, I'm having a  
party!   
  
Daria: No, you're not having a wild party. I promised mom I'd keep you in   
line.  
  
Quinn: What do you mean you promised to keep me in line.  
  
Daria: Let's just say your predictability is frightning.  
  
Quinn: Well, let's just say, I'm having this party and you had better not  
tell mom and dad!   
  
Daria: And where's my motivation again?  
  
Quinn: Well, for starters, you wouldn't want Mom and Dad to find out about  
your boyfriend, would you? I mean, all those nights you spend at   
Jane's house, while under the same roof with her cute older  
brother, who's taking you out tonight. You know what they'll  
think, and you know Mom will cancel her part of the trip to stay  
home. Then of course, there is the grounding, the sex lecture, the  
visit to her gynocologist to get you birth control, not to mention,  
possibly her shrink...   
  
Daria (beaten): Okay, but I'm spending the night of this little fiesta at  
Jane's. If mom and dad find out, you crash and burn on  
your own.  
  
Quinn: You're not invited anyway, this party is only for popular people.  
By the way, it was nice doing business with you, perhaps you've  
learned that I'm not as dumb as you thought. I'm just smarter at  
more important things.  
  
Daria: Yep, I'll never try to match my leggings to my blouse without your  
input, Einstien.  
  
Quinn: EEEWW! Leggings, that's unfashionable even for you Daria! Anyway,  
the party's tomorrow night. Just keep away from the house from  
eight till Wednesday morning, and everything will be just fine.  
  
QUINN WALKS BACK INTO THE HOUSE, SMILING AND PLANNING HER PARTY. DARIA  
DIGS INTO HER JACKET POCKET, PULLING OUT A MEMO PAD AND A PEN.  
  
DARIA WRITES: 'Note to self. Call cops tomorrow night at nine, and get  
Quinn busted.'. DARIA SMILES.   
  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. THE ENDLESS SEASHORE - NIGHT  
  
DARIA AND JANE SIT AT A TABLE NEAR THE STAGE. THE CROWD IS ROCKING.  
THROUGH THE WINDOW WE CAN SEE AND INVERTED 'GRAND OPENING' SIGN. ON  
STAGE, MYSTIC SPIRAL PLAYS THE FINAL FEW RIFFS TO THEIR FINAL SONG FOR  
THE NIGHT. TRENT AND JESSE GRAB THEIR MICROPHONES AS THE LAST CORD  
REVERBERATES.   
  
Trent: Good Night Everybody! You've been one awesome crowd, and I hope  
you enjoyed your seafood as well, at this, the grand opening bash  
for 'The Endless Seashore', Woodhills newest and best seafood  
buffet!   
  
Jesse: We're Mystik Spiral! Good Night and Peace!  
  
THE RESTERAUNT'S OWNER, A MIDDLE AGED MAN RUNS ON STAGE, SHAKING TRENT AND  
JESSE'S HANDS, AND TAKES THE MICROPHONE.  
  
Owner: Yes people, that was Mystikk Spiral, and they'll be performing  
Saturday night from seven till one at Reilly's Pub in Lawndale!  
Go out and see them! And I'm R...  
  
TRENT, JESSE, AND THE REST OF THE BAND APPROACH DARIA AND JANE'S TABLE,  
ALL PUMPED UP FROM THE CROWD'S ENTHUSIASM. SEVERAL GIRLS TRY TO CATCH  
THEIR ATTENTION, BUT THEY'RE OBLIVIOUS, AS THEY RUSH OVER.  
  
Jane: Here come the superstars. Look pretty.  
  
Daria (yawning): Oooo, I'm all a-twitter.  
  
Trent (hyped up): Hey, what did you guys think? We were really rocking  
it up there, weren't we?!  
  
Daria (eyes half closed): Yeah. Rock'in.  
  
Jesse: Hey, Daria, what's wrong with you?  
  
Daria (another yawn): I was born on a chilly fall day in 1981, and...  
  
Jane (smiling): She's just tired from having had a bouncing baby boy this  
morning, that's all.   
  
JESSE LOOKS AT JANE LIKE SHE JUST SPROUTED ANOTHER HEAD.  
  
Jesse: Oh man, congradulations Daria! I didn't even know you were  
pregnant! What's the little guys name? Who's the daddy? Boy,  
you must really like our music if you'd give birth in the   
morning and then shlep an hour by car the very same evening...   
  
TRENT SMACKS JESSE ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD.  
  
Jesse: What?!  
  
Trent: She didn't give birth, she has that assignment with the flour  
sacks, only they now use crying dolls with keys.  
  
DARIA AND JANE HOLD UP THEIR DOLLS. JESSE PICKS UP DARIA'S DOLL, AND  
EXAMINES IT.  
  
Jesse: Cool. I heard about these on Oprah. Man, If you're tired now  
Daria, you're going to look like hell in the morning. These things  
are programed to go off all night long.  
  
Trent (snickering): Oprah? You watch Oprah, Man?  
  
TRENT, DARIA, JANE, AND THE OTHER TWO GUYS IN THE BAND BURST OUT LAUGHING.  
  
Jesse: Hey! What else is there to watch on TV between three and four  
PM on a weekday?!  
  
THE LAUGHING GETS LOUDER, AND THE DOLL BEGINS TO SHRIEK.  
  
Daria (wearily): Ah hell.   
  
DARIA STRUGGLES WITH THE DOLL'S KEY, WHICH OFCOURSE DOESN'T WORK AGAIN.  
DARIA SLAMS HER HEAD DOWN ON THE TABLE, GIVING UP. TRENT TAKES THE DOLL,  
AND TURNS THE KEY, AGAIN SILENCING THE DOLL. THE WHOLE RESTERAUNT  
APPLAUDS.  
  
Trent: This is the second time this happened. This little dude is one  
major fan.   
  
Jane: Aww, he probably just wanted his Daddy.  
  
Jesse: Yeah, I can hear the resemblence. This kids definitely got his  
father's vocal cords. No getting out of this one my friend.  
  
EVERYONE LAUGHS. DARIA WEARILY GLARES AT JANE, THEN STARTS LAUGHING TOO.  
  
  
CUT TO:  
  
  
EXT. MORGENDORFER HOUSE - MIDNIGHT  
  
'THE TANK PULLS UP, LETTING DARIA HOP OUT THE BACK, THEN PULLS AWAY. AS  
DARIA APPROACHES THE DOOR, SHE HEARS LOUD MUSIC INSIDE. SUDDENLY THE DOOR  
OPENS, AND KEVIN AND BRITTANY STROLL OUT, BOTH SEEMING A BIT TIPSY.  
  
Kevin: Hey Da, da, da, Daria...  
  
Daria: Hey Ke, ke, ke, Kevin.  
  
Brittany: You're funny Daria! How did you get so funny?  
  
Daria: Years of practice. Where's Quinn?  
  
Brittany: She's inside. Bye Daria.  
  
Daria: Bye Brittany.   
  
KEVIN AND BRITTANY STUMBLE DOWN THE STREET, GIGGLING TO THEMSELVES. DARIA  
WEARILY SHAKES HER HEAD, AND ENTERS THE HOUSE LOOKING FOR QUINN. SHE  
FINDS HER IN THE KITCHEN, TRYING TO BALANCE THREE SIX PACKS OF BEER AND  
ONE OF PEPSI. DARIA TAKES TWO PACKS OFF THE PILE, PUTTING THEM ON THE  
TABLE.  
  
Quinn: What are you doing? People are DYING of thirst out there!  
  
Daria: Well, we really ought to thin the heard, but I thought your party  
was tomorrow night.  
  
Quinn: It was, but I told Sandy, and Tiffany, and Stacy, and they told  
people and they told people, and somewhere along the line, it  
became tonight. So it wasn't really my fault.  
  
Daria (to herself): Well, your honor, she was born; she acted like a total  
pain for 15 years, and somewhere along the line, I   
took an icepick and stabbed her 50 times. So it  
wasn't really my fault.  
  
Quinn: Very funny Daria, but could you please help me take these drinks  
into the living room.  
  
Daria: I'm sorry Quinn, but that would constitute actually attending your  
party, and well, I'm not popular enough for that, so I'm just going  
to leave you to giving yourself a hernia, and head over to Jane's  
house.  
  
QUINN SIGHES DRAMACITICALLY, STRUGGLES WITH THE BEER AND SODA, TAKING TWO  
STEPS, BEFORE FALLING ON HER FACE, SODA SPRAYING EVERYWHERE, AS DARIA  
DASHES OUT THE BACK DOOR, NARROWLY AVOIDING THE SPRAY.  
  
  
CUT TO:  
  
  
LANE HOUSE - LATE NIGHT  
  
DARIA, CARRYING HER DOLL AND LOOKING COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED, KNOCKS ON THE  
DOOR, AND JANE, ASLO WITH HER DOLL, AND HERSELF BLEARY EYED, OPENS IT.  
  
Daria: Quinn decided to have her party tonight, instead of tomorrow. I  
was going to ask you if I could sleep over tomorrow, but now it's  
tonight. And if I start making any sense, please wake me.  
  
Jane: If I'm awake. Jesse was right, these things do go off all night.  
How are we supposed to get enough sleep for our history test  
tomorrow?  
  
Daria: I think that's the point of this whole thing. DiMartino's going  
to be in heaven.  
  
Jane: Explain to me again why I'm risking my history grade, which is a  
borderline C already, when all I have to do is stuff the damn doll  
in a box for the rest of the night, take an F on this assignment,  
and write a make-up paper on the heartless inconciderate nature of men,  
in order to pass science.  
  
Daria: Good point, I won't even need the paper, and it'd be interesting to  
experience a C once in my life.  
  
Jane: Alright, you can share the joy.  
  
Daria: Thanks.  
  
DARIA AND JANE STUMBLE TO THE LANE COAT CLOSET NEAR THE DOOR, AND PUT THE  
DOLLS IN A BOX FILLED WITH STYRAFOAM POPCORN. DARIA HANGS UP HER JACKET,  
AND THEY BOTH HEAD UPSTAIRS. FIVE SECONDS LATER, TRENT COMES UPSTAIRS  
FULLY AWAKE. HE FOLLOWS THE MUFFLED CRYING DOLLS INTO THE CLOSET, PULLING  
THEM OUT AND TURNING THE KEYS LEFT IN THEIR BACKS. HE PUTS THEM BACK IN  
THE STYROFOAM POPCORN, PICKING THE BOX UP. AS HE DOES SO, DARIA'S JACKET  
FALLS ON THE FLOOR, AND HER MEMO PAD SLIPS OUT OF HER POCKET, OPEN TO THE  
PAGE WITH HER PLANS ON BUSTING QUINN WITH THE COPS. HE HANGS THE JACKET  
BACK UP, PUTTING THE MEMO PAD BACK, AND HEADS BACK DOWN TO HIS BASEMENT  
ROOM WITH THE BOX.  
  
Trent (whispering to the dolls): Looks like it's just us three tonight.  
  
lalalalala lalalalala.  
  
  
INT. LANE HOUSE - JANE'S ROOM - 6:30 AM  
  
DARIA AND JANE ARE SPRAWLED OUT HAPHAZARDLY ON JANE'S BED, FULLY DRESSED,  
LOOKING LIKE A COUPLE OF DRUNKS WHO SLEPT WHERE THEY FELL. TRENT COMES  
IN POKES JANE IN THE RIBS WITH THE BUT END OF HIS GUITAR.  
  
Jane (more than half asleep): Stop! I'm sleeping!  
  
TRENT SIGHES, THEN LEANS DOWN CLOSE TO JANE'S EAR.  
  
Trent (shouting): WAKE UP!!!  
  
DARIA AND JANE BOTH FUMBLE AWAKE, THIER HEARTS GOING A MILE A MINUTE.  
JANE SMACKS TRENT ON HIS ARM.  
  
Jane (shouting): Don't you ever do that again! Now what do you want?!  
  
Trent: It's 6:30. Time to wake up if you plan to bail Daria's sister out  
of jail before school.  
  
DARIA GETS A LOOK OF SHOCK.  
  
Daria: Damn, I knew there was something I forgot to do.  
  
Trent: Somebody must have complained about your sister's party.  
  
Jane: An experience Trent is more than familiar with.  
  
TRENT ELBOWS JANE PLAYFULLY. DARIA STANDS UP, STRETCHING.  
  
Daria (to Jane): Can I borrow something to wear? I've been in this all day  
and all night. I probably smell like a compost heap.  
  
Trent: Nah, don't sweat it Daria.  
  
DARIA AND JANE LOOK AT TRENT AND ROLL THEIR EYES.  
  
Jane: Daria's more comfortable repelling people with her personality, than  
with her scent.  
  
Daria: It's an art.  
  
TRENT YAWNS LOUDLY.  
  
Jane: Let me guess. Late night, day, night, day...  
  
Trent: No, it's those dolls! Waa, waa, waa, all night long! I'm never  
having kids.  
  
Jane: We shoved them in the closet, how'd you hear them all the way in the  
basement? They're obnoxiously loud, but they're not that loud.  
  
Trent (sheepishly): Well, I didn't want you two to get a bad grade cause  
of coming to see my band tonight. I mean, Daria's not  
even family, she's not even obligated to suffer for  
my art, staying up all night, so I figured, since  
I'm up half the night anyway, I'd watch the dolls.   
  
Jane: Ah, that's sweet. Isn't that sweet Daria?  
  
Daria: Yeah. Sweet. Thanks Trent.  
  
Trent (even more sheepishly): Yeah, well, anytime. You two hungry. We  
can stop for eggs or somethin' before  
headin' to the police station. I mean, we  
don't really have to rush. I can write you  
girls a note if...  
  
Jane: Trent relax. This is the suburbs. Kids play stupid pranks on  
ex-teachers all the time. There is no way the cops are going to  
remember one little incident...  
  
TRENT CLEARS HIS THROAT EXTREMELY LOUDLY AS HIS FACE TURNS BEET RED.  
DARIA'S EYEBROWS RAISE QUESTIONINGLY AS JANE SNICKERS AND TRENT TURNS EVEN  
REDDER.  
  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. LAWNDALE HIGH - SCIENCE CLASS -   
  
MS. BARCH STAND UP FRONT, AS THE ZOMBIE EYED STUDENTS TRUDGE IN, ONLY HALF  
AWAKE. A WELL AWAKE DARIA AND JANE STROLL IN AND TAKE THEIR SEATS, JUST  
AS THE BELL RINGS.  
  
Ms. Barch: Okay class, today I'll be collecting your dolls, and we'll be  
discussing your experience. Now, when I call your name, bring  
your doll up front, and...  
  
SUDDENLY, THE ENTIRE CLASS, SANS DARIA AND JANE, STORM UP FRONT, NEARLY  
TRAMPLING MS. BARCH IN ORDER TO GET RID OF THE DOLLS.  
  
Ms. Barch: WOA!!! Wait! Wait!  
  
DARIA AND JANE GET BEMUSED EXPRESSIONS ON THEIR FACES, LOOK AT ONE  
ANOTHER, AND THEN RETURN THEIR EYES TO THE MOB IN THE FRONT OF THE CLASS.  
  
  
  
La,la,la,la,la La,la,la,la,la!!!!  
  
FADE OUT:  
  
  
  
END OF SACKED OUT  
  



End file.
